The Accidental Divorcee Read online

  There are many stories in this book. For those based on true-life experiences, names and details have been altered for privacy.

  Copyright © 2016 Laura Scott

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  Published by Texas Barn Owl Press, Laura Scott LLC

  Interior Design: Rachel Christenson

  Cover Design: Jennifer O’Conner

  Image Credits: cover image © iStock.com/subjug

  ISBN-13: 978-0-9978722-0-0

  ISBN-10: 0-9978722-0-9

  eISBN: 978-0-9978722-1-7

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2016913061

  First Edition

  Printed in the United States of America

  Dedicated to those going through a separation or divorce

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Foreword

  Introduction

  CHAPTER 1

  So It’s Over—Temporarily or Permanently

  How Did I Get Here?

  Why Do Marriages End?

  One Person

  The Leaver

  The Left

  Denial Isn’t Just a Place in Egypt

  Clues

  Game Changer

  CHAPTER 2

  Victim of Love: The Five Stages of Grief

  Denial

  Anger

  Bargaining

  Depression

  Acceptance

  Why It’s Natural to Grieve

  The Why Nots

  Blocks to Healing

  Emotional Boot Camp

  How Grief Works Backward

  CHAPTER 3

  Your Swimming Pool

  Refilling Your Pool

  Natural Talent

  Cultivating Relationships

  Distractions

  A New Routine

  CHAPTER 4

  Everyone Else

  Intrigue and Gossip: What to Say and What Not to Say

  Picking Sides

  Losing Extended Family

  Losing Couple Friends

  The Pot Stickers: Those Who Stick with You

  CHAPTER 5

  A Shock to the System

  Sleep Issues

  Sexual Concerns

  Not Eating

  Overdoing Exercise

  Crying

  Falling Apart

  Distraction and Loss of Focus

  Unreliability

  Fear and Uncertainty

  Talk Talk Talk

  Going to Excess

  White-Hot Anger

  Cussing

  Shopping and Spending

  Dreams and Fantasies about Your Ex

  Hating Your Stuff

  Pain

  Wanting to Not Be Here Anymore

  Return of Childhood Issues

  The Dance of Guilt and Relief

  CHAPTER 6

  The Aftermath of an Affair

  The Exit Affair

  You Lied to Me

  Angry, Outraged, and Indignant

  Your Own Takeaway

  Ignorance Is Bliss

  Obsession

  Crimes of Passion

  Elizabeth’s Breakthrough

  An Exercise to Stop Obsession

  Affair Outcome

  CHAPTER 7

  The Divorce Process

  IT Security/Spying

  Divorce Lawyers

  Decisions, Decisions

  The Big Stuff: Things to Pay Attention to

  Divorce Day

  To Sum It Up

  Who’s Crying Now?

  Karma

  CHAPTER 8

  After the Divorce

  Coparenting after Divorce

  Developing a New Relationship with Your Ex

  The Work-Around

  Doing the Best You Can for Where You Are

  Society’s Denial of Loss

  Everyone Wants You to Move On/The Backward Compliment

  Establish Your Own Turf

  CHAPTER 9

  How Being Single Is Different from Being Married

  The Process of Individuation

  Taking Off the Ring

  Newfound Freedom

  Rainy Days and Mondays

  Epiphany

  New Relationships

  Why Time Is Your Friend

  The First Set of Holidays

  Pet: Free Terapy

  Music Terapy

  CHAPTER 10

  Divorce Stories

  CHAPTER 11

  Traditional and Nontraditional Sources of Help

  Counseling/Terapy

  Faith and Church Resources

  Divorce Recovery Groups

  Not-So-Traditional Help

  CHAPTER 12

  A Long Road—Forgiveness and Healing

  The Terrible Gift

  Wrapping Up

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Endnotes

  FOREWORD

  When Laura shared with me that she was writing a book about her own experience with separation and divorce, I was anxious to read the final product. As a previous clinician and a current professor with a PhD in psychology and specialization in marriage and family, and having been through a divorce myself, I was excited about the new way Laura was approaching this difficult process. Laura looks at divorce from the perspective of someone who has gone through one. She isn’t an attorney or a therapist. She notes that divorce is a game changer, and it alters all aspects of our lives and the lives of those we love. Laura feels that most people tend to have common experiences when going through the process. She mentions those experiences in a straightforward manner, so that the reader might realize they are not alone.

  Laura shares her personal experience of processing her separation and divorce. Often, hearing the story of someone who has been through a similar situation can help bring us clarity, encouragement, and a way to process our own thoughts and feelings. This book is not a substitute for seeking professional help from a lawyer, counselor, or parenting coach, but it does look at betrayal, divorce, and healing in a humorous and anecdotal way.

  Laura is diligent to point out that we may need to seek professional help, particularly if we are experiencing obsessive or suicidal thoughts. As a professor of psychology and previous clinician, I wanted to emphasize the following note: We should not assume that suicidal thoughts are simply a phase if the thoughts are recurring and we consider harming ourselves or others. This is a time we need to seek medical attention immediately. We cannot let pride, embarrassment, or weakness get in the way of our personal healing, and some people need professional help to navigate this life change.

  Divorce is a time of healing, growing, and moving on with our lives. We may experience pain, guilt, shame, fear, and a myriad of emotions that we need to work through. This is a continual process and happens at different paces for different people. Laura does well to provide anecdotes from several individuals about dealing with separation and divorce with the hope that you will understand that you are not alone in this journey.

  Donna Busarow

  PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Marriage and Family

  Certified Guidance Counselor

  Professor of Psychology, Liberty University

  INTRODUCTION

  You are walking along, doing life, and life is going okay, or it’s going great, or maybe it’s just going.

  And then, seemingly out of nowhere, you are hit with a surreal experience: your marriage is ending. It’s not the people down the street or that guy you used to work w
ith—it’s your marriage.

  Some marriages end, some marriages fail. Some people know that their marriage is on the rocks, some people are blindsided.

  Whether you have been married for two years or for twenty-five years, it’s a crazy time. What you expected your future would be is turned inside out, and you experience the loss of hope and security; in a sense, it’s the loss of everything.

  This can be a time of trial, a time of relief, or a time of denial.

  One person aptly compared going through a divorce to jumping off a cliff into sheer darkness; your future is unknown. Divorce hurts. Divorce really hurts.

  THE FLYING BOOK

  When I was first separated, I bought a few books that all said on the first page that we soon-to-be-divorced people would get over the divorce totally and be happy and successful. And yes, when the third book said the same thing, I threw that book across the room and even considered burning it. What I was looking for when I first separated was someone who understood my pain and the ambiguity I was going through. It was way too soon to hear it would all be fine.

  In this book, I’ve attempted to share all the best advice I received, along with what I gleaned from my own experience, and to recount the experiences of others who were willing to share their stories. I have carved out what I wish I’d known during this crucial time—the time when I suddenly became the Accidental Divorcée.

  WHAT THIS BOOK IS

  The Accidental Divorcée is intended to help you figure out where you are and to give you some insight, from those who’ve been there, into what to expect during separation and divorce.

  Divorce is a process with several moving targets. This book can help you focus on helping yourself so that you can emerge successfully on the other side of this difficult time.

  WHAT THIS BOOK IS NOT

  This book is not legal advice or custody advice, nor is it intended as coparenting coaching or a guide to parenting your children through divorce. This book does not cover the large topic of children of divorce. It’s for you alone. It isn’t written by a divorce lawyer or a psychologist or a psychiatrist. It’s written by someone who has lived through her partner having an affair. It’s written by someone who went through a divorce with kids involved. It’s meant to be helpful, and relatable, and humorous at times. The goal is to point out some things that could help you get through a similar experience.

  STORIES, STORIES: PERSONAL AND OTHER

  When the Accidental Divorcée went through her divorce she met many people and heard many stories about “uncoupling” in a marriage. One of the healing aspects of this book are the tales of people grappling with separation and divorce. Many people tend to blame themselves after their divorce. The stories in this book represent many different ages and personalities and situations, all designed to show the reader that divorce can happen to anyone and that it is not necessarily your fault.

  Hearing you are not alone is a good thing during this time.

  CHAPTER 1

  So It’s Over—Temporarily or Permanently

  If you have this book, your marriage is probably over, or you and your partner are not going back to the way that you were. One of you has left, or you’ve gone from intimacy to one partner planning to move on. Maybe a big fight ensued, or you came home and all of your partner’s stuff was gone. Maybe you found that the bank account has a different balance than you thought was there, or that you are no longer a signer on the account. Maybe you received a Dear John letter, or you have been served with divorce papers.

  HOW DID I GET HERE?

  People can get divorced at all ages. You can be old or young and get divorced.

  You could have been married for a few years or for many years and get divorced.

  You can be rich or poor and get divorced.

  You can be from a religious family or an agnostic family and get divorced.

  You can be any racial ethnicity and get divorced.

  You can be from a solid background or a not-so-secure background and get divorced.

  Because it takes just one person to end a marriage, divorce can happen to anyone.

  WHY DO MARRIAGES END?

  Marriages can end at different stages and for many, many reasons. What follows is a basic list and doesn’t include all problems—your issue may or may not be listed. Some common catalysts for divorce include:

  Finances – Some couples cannot get on the same page regarding money; finances cause the marriage to fail. Money represents power, security, and control, as well as defining your future. For many, trouble with how the money is handled during the marriage can be one of the causes of divorce.

  Loss of Trust – Some couples have serious breaks in trust during the marriage (the one we elaborate on in this book is an affair). Some pattern of behavior by one or both partners has eroded the marriage. Most marriages cannot survive without a basic sense of trust.

  Lack of Respect – One of the partners has lost all respect for the other partner due to behavior or actions taken during the marriage. This is a major relationship killer, and one of the main reasons for a partner to leave the marriage.

  Unfulfilled Expectations – At some point one or both partners feel that life isn’t living up to what they expected it to be. Milestones are unmet or do not happen. Goals such as having a family, buying a house, financial success, or career expectations aren’t achieved according to the timeline of one or both partners. Sometimes long-term sexual satisfaction isn’t what one of the partners anticipated in the marriage. This, combined with life expectancy (the idea that as we age we begin to run out of time) causes dissatisfaction. Unmet expectations of one partner become more important than the commitment to the marriage, and it fails.

  Lack of Communication/Feeling Misunderstood – We all want to be known on a soul level. If one partner feels misunderstood, doesn’t feel heard, or stops telling the other partner what is happening, it can cause the marriage to end.

  Betrayal – There are all sorts of betrayal. One partner has gone behind the other partner’s back and committed some type of betrayal. It can be financial, or not keeping a confidence, or lying, or a sexual indiscretion, but destroying trust can take the marriage down. Because the partner who is betrayed feels threatened, their feelings change about the other partner.

  Abuse – Physical or emotional abuse can end the marriage. If someone is physically or emotionally threatened, they will eventually back out of the commitment to save themselves.

  Alcoholism/Drug Abuse – Feeding an addiction eventually becomes more important than the addict’s partner, who will likely feel disrespected and betrayed, among other things. One partner’s addiction can cause misunderstandings and financial problems and can end the marriage.

  Lack of Affection/Sexual Fulfillment – One of the basic foundations of marriage is your intimate life. If things aren’t working out in the bedroom, it can cause the marriage to fail. For many, a lack of affection from the other partner will cause alienation in the marriage.

  Leading Separate Lives – The couple lives together but ceases to spend time being emotionally or sexually intimate, and eventually they stop doing anything together. They develop other interests and relationships outside of the marriage, and as a result become so distant from one another that their marriage breaks up.

  ONE PERSON

  It takes only one person to end a marriage, whether that person leaves the marriage temporarily or for good. Perhaps this person has been feeling shortchanged for a long time. All sorts of stresses can happen in a marriage— whether related to sex or money or children or emotions or power—but whatever the trigger is, this person hits the proverbial wall (more on this later) and decides to bail. The other partner may be completely blindsided by this turn of events.

  THE LEAVER

  For most people who leave a marriage, there has been at least one major long-term deal breaker or disappointment. The person who leaves may have gone into the marriage with solid intentions, but over time, they may fee
l as though their expectations of marriage have not been met, that they have been denied love, attention, or whatever else they feel that they needed to make their life meaningful or to be happy in the marriage. Usually the dissatisfaction involves love, sex, money, power, betrayal, or a loss of respect for their partner. They may threaten to leave over a period of time, or they may just up and leave.

  The leaver may feel that they have tried hard to work it out, but it’s over. They know it may be a rough ride for their spouse, their children, parents, community, and extended family and friends, but everyone is just going to have to get used to the idea because the leaver is done. The leaver feels justified and will reject any other view but their own. Pleading with the leaver may fall on deaf ears. The leaver has begun to envision a new life for themselves and has figured out that they want to leave the relationship permanently. They have hardened themselves to the decision.

  Once someone feels wronged or neglected, it’s easy for them to justify leaving, because in their mind, they were hurt or mistreated first.

  Amy was married for twenty-two years to Tom, who was the breadwinner. Tom and Amy had two children. About ten years into the marriage, Amy began to feel like Tom still relied on his parents too much. They lived close to Amy and Tom and hosted family dinners every Sunday. It started out with small comments and looks, but over the years Amy began to feel judged by Tom’s mother. She even felt that his parents knew details of their sex life. Her mother-in-law would say to her: “Look, Amy, if a man wants it, just give it to him.” Amy was irritated that perhaps her in-laws knew too much about her, and felt that they judged her parenting decisions as well as her ability to keep a clean and organized house (Amy was a wonderful housekeeper). Tom seemed to reflect exactly what his parents felt, whether it was based in reality or not. She felt like it was her against his parents and that nobody was ever empathetic to her. Amy had a wonderful sense of humor, but she just felt that all of the fun she liked to have with Tom had left their marriage. Everyone told her what an asset she was to Tom, but she eventually began to feel bad about herself. Their private marriage didn’t match what everyone saw on the outside. One night Amy confronted Tom and told him that in the Bible it says that he should leave his mother and father and support her, but he laughed at her, snapped open a bag of chips, and left the room. She realized Tom had never left his parents— that they were more important to him than her thoughts, feelings, and opinions. It would never change.