Soldier's Christmas Secrets Page 11

  “Yeah, I’m looking him up now,” Matt said as he tapped the computer keyboard.

  Jillian came up to stand beside him, anxious to know what was going on.

  “I found Benjamin Dugan, and he’s former army and was stationed in Afghanistan the same time you were.”

  “Is Hawk okay?” she whispered.

  Matt nodded, then put his hand over the phone. “Yeah, they’re all on their way back. This is Ryker on the phone. They were able to get a name from one of the mercenaries.”

  Relieved to know Hawk was okay, Jillian sank into the kitchen chair beside Matt and kept her gaze on the army soldier on the screen.

  “He was Team Alpha, too,” Matt continued. He put the phone on speaker so he could work as he talked. “I have a photo here of him with Yonkers. Guess that explains why he joined the Blake-Moore group.”

  “We need to know who gave the Alpha team their orders,” Ryker said. “I think it’s clear that the Alpha team has turned mercenary. But we need a connection to someone higher up on the food chain.”

  “Agreed.” Matt continued searching the images, moving so fast on the screen she couldn’t keep up. “I’ll dig around a bit more. Just get here as soon as you can.”

  “Did you find the letters?” Jillian asked before Ryker could end the call.

  “Yeah, Hawk found them.”

  “Were any of the names in the letters familiar?” She wanted to believe the letters were useful, that this little excursion hadn’t been for nothing.

  “I can’t answer that yet, it’s too dark to read them. We’ll take a closer look when we get there.”

  Jillian sensed there was something Ryker wasn’t telling her but decided to let it go. Matt had told her Hawk was okay, so she did her best to be patient.

  “No reason for you to wait up,” Matt said, scratching Duchess behind the ears.

  She gave him a blank stare. “I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to.”

  Matt sighed and nodded. Sitting there with nothing constructive to do was excruciating. She wanted to help with the investigation. Doing what, she had no clue.

  She tried to remember the contents of Hawk’s—James’s—love letters, but couldn’t remember anything other than how much he’d missed her.

  And she’d missed him, too. Especially the morning when she’d found out she was pregnant. Then the fateful knock had come on her door just hours later, revealing a man wearing a full-dress blue uniform.

  She’d known James was dead the moment she saw the man standing there. She’d been sick to her stomach, either from the devastating news or the effects of her pregnancy. Or both.

  Except James hadn’t been dead. He’d been in a plane crash and left for dead, surviving against all odds.

  She was so lost in the memories, that she didn’t hear the SUV drive up until she heard voices coming from outside. When Hawk stepped through the doorway, she lunged up from her seat and threw herself into his arms.

  He caught her against his chest and held her close for several long moments. It wasn’t until one of the guys loudly cleared his throat that she realized they were blocking the doorway.

  “Sorry,” she murmured, stepping back from Hawk’s embrace. She frowned when she noticed fresh blood stains on his shirt. “You’re hurt!”

  “It’s nothing.” Hawk moved into the kitchen so that Ryker and Mike could come in out of the cold. “The wound opened up a bit, that’s all.”

  She sent a steely glare toward Ryker, who couldn’t look her in the eye. “You said he was fine.”

  “I am. Leave him alone, Jilly,” Hawk said gently. “We got what we went for and more.”

  The jewelry box looked incongruous in Hawk’s rough hands. He held it out toward her, but she shook her head.

  “You should look at them. The names will mean more to you than to me.”

  Hawk nodded and carefully set the box on the table. He went over to wash his hands at the sink before returning to open the jewelry box. When Jillian saw her engagement ring, tears pricked her eyes.

  She’d taken the diamond ring off on the one-year anniversary of James’s death. So long ago, yet at the same time, it seemed like yesterday.

  Hawk caught her gaze for a moment before lifting out the top part of the jewelry box to reveal the letters tucked beneath. He pulled them out and set them on the table.

  The ribbon she’d used to tie them together was pink, old and frayed. She’d chosen the color for Lizzy. It was still her daughter’s favorite color.

  Hawk put the letters in order, the most recent on top, as she took the seat next to him. He carefully opened the last letter he’d ever written to her and began to read.

  Seeing his tight, messy scrawl brought fond memories to the surface. She remembered how much she looked forward to hearing from James, hanging on every word he’d written. Reading them over and over until the paper grew worn and thin.

  A burst of anger at what they’d lost, at what had been taken from them, sent her stumbling to her feet. She went into the living room and collapsed on the sofa, burying her face in her hands as she tried to hold herself together.

  She knew she should be grateful for finding Hawk after all these years. To know he was alive and had found his way home to her.

  But the acute sense of loss wouldn’t go away. How different would her life and Lizzy’s be if James hadn’t seen something he shouldn’t have?

  Useless to play the what-if game.

  “Jilly.” Hawk’s low voice caused her to lift her head from her hands. The cushion shifted as he sat beside her. “We’re going to be all right. I promise to keep you safe.”

  He misunderstood what was behind her emotional breakdown. “I’m so angry at the men who did this to you,” she finally managed. “To us.”

  “Anger won’t help us figure out the person responsible for all of this,” he pointed out in a reasonable tone that made her want to shove him off the sofa.

  “Maybe not, but I can’t help it. They tried to kill you. Took you away from me, from Lizzy. It’s not right! They had no right to do that to us!”

  “Easy.” Hawk’s tone was soothing as he put his arm around her shoulders. “We’ll get to the bottom of this. The men responsible will go to jail for a very long time.”

  At the moment it wasn’t much comfort. Leaning against Hawk, she tried to rein in her temper.

  He was right. Getting angry wouldn’t help them understand who was responsible.

  She lifted her head and looked at him. “Did the letters help?”

  There was a moment’s hesitation before he nodded. “I mentioned Colin Yonkers several times. He was part of the Alpha team, and from what I can tell—we were once friends.”

  Friends? She stared into Hawk’s blue eyes and saw the regret. This news, along with his concussion, could explain his repressed memories. She couldn’t imagine finding out your friend was selling guns to the enemy.

  And worse? Knowing the same friend tried to kill you to keep the secret from seeing the light of day.

  ELEVEN

  Hawk didn’t want to tell Jillian how difficult it had been for him to read the letters he’d written to her so many years ago. Most of the time it was as if they were written by a stranger. More proof that he was a different man back then, as revealed by letters full of love, hope and faith. Until the day he’d lost his entire team in a plane crash, which had left a hard, cracked, scarred shell of a man behind.

  His stomach knotted with the realization that the love he’d once shared with Jillian was gone forever. That simple, pure love was something they could never get back.

  He told himself to focus on the fact that he was here with Jillian and Lizzy now. The way she leaned on him, and had gotten so upset with Yonkers on his behalf, was sweet.

  The letters hadn’t revealed as much as he’d hoped. Although, in addition
to several mentions of Yonkers, there was also one brief reference to Major Rick Barton. The phrasing gave him the impression that the Bravo team had reported up through Barton.

  Was that reporting relationship the reason he still had that snippet of memory about the guy? And if so, had Yonkers’s Alpha team reported up to Barton as well?

  What did it all mean?

  “Hawk?” Jillian’s soft voice drew him from his swirling thoughts.

  “What is it?” He kept his arm around her shoulders, holding her close.

  “I’m glad you’re here with me. With us.”

  Her words were a soothing balm against the jagged edges of his heart. He ached to kiss her, but the guys were still in the kitchen, so he refrained from giving in to temptation.

  “When this is over...” Jillian began, but he silenced her with a finger over her lips.

  “Don’t, Jilly.” He couldn’t help remembering those letters. The words of love James had written. “I don’t want you to make any rash promises. We’ll just take things one step at a time, okay? Ensuring your safety and Lizzy’s is my one and only priority.”

  “Hawk...” she tried again, but he shook his head and gently pulled away from her.

  “The man you once loved is gone, Jilly. Reading those letters proves it. I’m not that guy anymore. James is gone, forever. And no amount of hoping and praying will bring him back.”

  Jilly jumped to her feet, temper sparking in her green gaze. “Hawk and James are more alike than you realize. They share a brain and a heart. Don’t you see? That’s all that matters.”

  He sighed, knowing she was missing the point. But then she continued, “Of course you’re different now. Any soldier who serves overseas in combat comes home a changed man. You know that as well as I do. I’m not the same woman I was when we first married, either. Being a mother changed me. Honestly, Hawk, if you would put your future in God’s hands, you’d find out exactly what God has in store for us.”

  Her words resonated deep within. He remembered the faith he’d displayed in his letters. Was Jillian right about rediscovering his faith? Was that part of the heart and brain he shared with James? He remembered how his earlier prayer had brought a sense of peace.

  “Okay, you’re right,” he finally said. “We’ve both changed, and focusing on the past isn’t helpful. We’ll move forward from here, together.”

  “I’d like that,” Jillian agreed.

  He held up a hand. “But keeping you and Lizzy safe is still the main priority.”

  “Your safety, too,” Jillian added.

  His gaze held hers for a long moment. It humbled him to know she cared about him.

  About Hawk. The man he’d become.

  “Hawk? You need to see this.” Mike Callahan’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

  “Be right there.” He wanted to reach out to Jillian but tucked his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. “Get some rest. I’m not sure how long the guys will stay, but you need sleep.”

  She hesitated before nodding. “Good night, Hawk.”

  “Good night.”

  He watched her enter the bedroom she shared with Lizzy. He felt as if the earth had shifted slightly to the left and he was having trouble regaining his footing. The idea that she saw parts of James within him was disconcerting.

  “Hawk?” Mike repeated.

  He returned to the kitchen to see what the guys had found.

  “Check this out.” Mike tapped a photo on the computer screen. “We did a search on Barton and found this.”

  A chill snaked down Hawk’s spine. “Colin Yonkers.”

  “Yep. That’s a picture of your old buddy Yonkers shaking hands and looking all chummy with Senator Rick Barton.”

  “When was that taken?”

  “Two years ago,” Ryker spoke up. “So far we haven’t found anything more recent.”

  A handshake at some charity function from two years ago wasn’t the link he was hoping to find, but it was a start.

  “Listen, Hawk, I need to hit the road, I promised Lacy I’d be back tonight. She has her hands full with Rory and being pregnant.” Matt Callahan stood near the door, with Duchess at his side. “I took some time off work. So I can return tomorrow, if that helps.”

  Hawk realized the hour was half past midnight. “Yeah, sure. Why don’t all of you get out of here? You have families to take care of.”

  “I don’t,” Ryker said dryly. “Maybe we should call Duncan O’Hare—he doesn’t have a family, either.”

  Hawk reluctantly grinned. Once he’d felt just like Tillman and O’Hare, alone in a world where Callahans were falling in love like apples dropping from trees. “No sense in dragging Duncan into this. And you still have a life, don’t you?”

  Ryker shrugged. “Not really. Been feeling at loose ends.”

  “You’re welcome to bunk here. There’s a third bedroom no one is using. But don’t feel obligated to stick around. You can always return in the morning with the others.”

  Ryker shrugged. “No sense in driving back and forth. After being in Afghanistan, I’ve learned to sleep anywhere.”

  Hawk was touched by the offer and wondered if Ryker was doing this because of his own experiences in Afghanistan. Ryker had mentioned being on Team Charlie, and Hawk was curious about what Ryker had gone through back then.

  Not that Ryker’s secrets were any of his business.

  “Not sure what more we can do until the morning anyway,” Mike said, rising to his feet and stretching his cramped muscles. “Even if we find more photos of Yonkers and Senator Barton together, it won’t mean anything. We need to talk directly with Yonkers.”

  “Or with someone else from Alpha,” Ryker added. “Dugan didn’t know anything, but someone else will. Yonkers didn’t pull this off on his own. I’ll see if I can find anyone that might be in the area.”

  “Thanks again,” Hawk said as the Callahans made their way outside.

  “We’ve got your back,” Mike said, clapping him on his uninjured shoulder. “The same way you had ours.”

  Hawk nodded. He hadn’t thought twice about helping Mike and the other Callahan siblings when they’d run into trouble over the past couple of years. It had honestly never occurred to him that he’d one day need their help in return.

  Yet here he was, needing everything they had to offer and grateful for it. Nothing was more important than keeping Jillian and Lizzy safe.

  When their taillights faded out of sight, he went back inside. Ryker had taken the seat behind the computer. Hawk rubbed his throbbing shoulder—he knew he couldn’t put off cleaning the wound any longer. So far, the antibiotics Dana had obtained for him were keeping the infection at bay. But he was feeling chilled and hoped he wasn’t running a fever.

  “You should get some rest,” Ryker said as if reading his thoughts. “I’ll work here for a bit longer and then hit the sack.”

  “Okay, thanks.” Hawk wasn’t about to argue. He headed into the bathroom and shucked out of his T-shirt. Fresh blood oozed from the saturated gauze over the wound. Gritting his teeth, he removed the old dressing and then used soap and water to clean the wound as best he could.

  Unfortunately, he couldn’t reach the entry wound in the back of his shoulder very easily. He slapped water over his shoulder, making a mess. The exit wound in the front was worse, but he knew that either one of them could be a source of infection. The ibuprofen would help, but not for long.

  They needed to find a way to get to the bottom of this mess. Before he ended up in the hospital.

  Reminding himself to drink more fluids, Hawk finished redressing his wounds and returned to the kitchen to chug down a full glass of water with the ibuprofen.

  Antibiotics, fluids, ibuprofen and rest. That was all he could do for the moment.

  But when he stretched out on his bed, his mind wouldn’t sh
ut down. He kept thinking about the letters he’d written to Jillian so many years ago.

  She’d told him that Hawk and James were entwined together, and maybe she was right. His basic personality couldn’t have changed that much.

  But when he read those letters, he’d felt as if he were eavesdropping on a conversation between Jillian and someone else. A relationship that made him jealous.

  He knew that his experience in the Appalachian Mountains had changed him. Jillian could say that a part of James was still with him, but how did she know for sure? Especially when he couldn’t be certain?

  The thought scared him. Far more than four hostiles coming after him.

  Because he knew that if he gave his heart to Jillian and she decided that she didn’t love Hawk the way she once had loved James, he would never recover.

  He couldn’t lose Jillian twice in one lifetime. That was too much to ask of any man.

  Which meant he needed to keep a bit of distance between them, until she honestly accepted him for who he was.

  Hawk Jacobson, not James Wade.

  * * *

  Jillian woke early in the morning. The darkness lingering beyond the windows proved that dawn hadn’t yet broken over the horizon. The air was chilly, but aside from that, the atmosphere was so nice and peaceful she decided to stay snuggled under the covers. There was no reason to be up this soon. Besides, she wasn’t sure how many of the guys had stayed overnight in the cabin. It would perhaps be better to wait before finding out.

  And she really didn’t want to wake Lizzy up yet. Her daughter had dealt with all of this running for safety like a champ, but Jillian had no idea how much longer Lizzy would tolerate being in the cabin without her friends at day care or any of her things to play with.

  Her thoughts circled around to last night’s conversation with Hawk. Deep down, she was troubled by the way he felt so completely severed from James. It just didn’t make any sense. She believed that, at the core, Hawk and James were the same man.

  Granted, a terrible tragedy could change a person’s outlook on life, altering how they saw the world, but it couldn’t change who you were deep within.